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Burning the Candle at Both Ends

I've been through these stages before. Days blur together, and even weekends have no meaning anymore.

I'm on day 10 of hopefully only 13 days in a row of either school or work. I keep forgetting what day of the week it is. The painful part is, if work became available on day 14, I would have to take it. 

The last time I was a semi poor college student, I had a lot less to worry about. I was maybe just as busy as I am now, but I had less things to stress about. This time around I have more bills, working 2 jobs and sometimes it's still not enough. Going back to school, after working for 4 years, I know what it's like being able to support myself, and find myself frustrated trying to deal with the change.  Even though I know school is only temporary, and I'm halfway through, I still trip myself up over the day to day, while trying to remember this is all for the best in the end.

I always like to keep my life balanced: work time, social time, down time. Right now, I can feel the balance tipping too far in one direction. I've learned something about myself: when I start misplacing things, it's a sign my mind is scattered. A sign I have too much going on to keep track of it all, and I start to slip up, and leave things I should be bringing with me, forgot I need to be certain places or don't put things where I usually keep them. It's an outward indication that there is an inward issue. A sign that there is an imbalance. And while I can recognize it, I am still learning how to step back from the edge when it feels like everything is going to tip so far you slide off.

What's worse, when you start to get inside your own head, trying to figure out what the issues are, and what can be done about them, you start to over-think. Start to wonder if there are problems where there are none. Which only creates a snowball affect. Then, you're stretched thin, trying to get a handle on it all. And I'm my worst critic, wondering if I can hack it, or if I did something wrong, or if I'm not going to succeed. Often I only think those things when I'm already worn out, mentally, emotionally, physically. I have to sit there and focus on telling myself that I've handled harder situations, that I will get through this and that I'm probably making something out of nothing.

And while I would love a day off, I can't afford it right now. So far I've been pretty lucky with getting enough work to cover my expenses. But for the moment, my luck ran dry, and for the next month I have half as much work as I need. Too bad my bills can't cut in half too.

There are things I wish I could be doing, but I can't afford to, and don't have the time. And yes I understand that, logically. But emotionally it's difficult to watch other people have the time and resources to be able to get out and do those things. When you're exhausted, it's even harder to not to let your emotions get the better of you. 

I just want to stop stressing out about things I don't have control over right now. Things that I know are only temporary. Sometimes you can only be strong for so long before something's gotta give, and you let go for a little. Then, slowly put yourself back in order, and carry on. Things aren't going to be this way forever, and I just have to cowboy up for now. 

Keep calm and carry on.


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