Mental Health

The conversation on mental health in recent years has taken broad steps to remove the stigma associated with the topic. This openness towards discussion has hopefully led more people to seek help and receive the treatment they need, based on their symptoms. It has even expanded in the ways of policy changes for first responders who experience and are exposed to scenarios as a result of their work that some of us wouldn't dare imagine.

However, I believe we are selling ourselves short here.

Many of the discussions I have had surrounding mental health have been related to people experiencing PTSD, or other diagnosable mental health issues. What the current discussion fails to include is anybody's day to day mental health. There are many influences to our mental state, stressors that if left unattended can have a significant impact. It's important to keep ourselves in check. How are we really doing? How are we taking care of ourselves today? How can we take care of everything and everyone but ourselves, and expect that to last forever?

Mental health is a topic that should be looked at for everyone.

Ask yourself this question: how are you?

Most people will respond with 'good' or 'fine,' the standard, socially acceptable answer that doesn't require much follow through. In some cases, this is the situationally appropriate answer.

Now, answer that question to yourself honestly. Are you unhappy with work? Home life? Relationships? What are you happy about? Promotion at work? Fulfillment with your children and family?

The honest answer is a truer reflection of your overall mental health. You don't need to be diagnosed with something to look at your mental state of wellbeing. 

I generally think of myself as a strong, independent, don't-get-pushed-around kind of person. And at the core of me, yes that's who I am. I can be a force of nature for better or for worse. 

But that doesn't mean I'm infallible to outside influence, to outside pressure, that pushes against that very nature. There will always be circumstances that make us question ourselves, and our purpose. It is not weak to admit that these situations can be detrimental to your daily mental health, that the added stress affects your state of being, your habits, your responses to the outside world.

Harassment, particularly sexual harassment, as has been exploding in recent media. One of the common grounds for these men and women that have come forward is not necessarily the physical aspect, as sometimes there isn't one, but the psychological effect. The aggressor is exerting a power over you. Doing something just because they can, and sometimes seemingly for no other reason at all. It all comes down to power and control and who has it.

I recently realized I am still coming through the other side of this type of psychological abuse.

The difficult part for me, was that the perpetrator of this behaviour was my boss. It is easy to cut ties to superfluous entities that you don't agree with, or dislike. It's harder when it's your livelihood. Not impossible, but not always easy. When I started working for this man, I was still fairly new into my career. With lots to learn, and lots to prove, I felt at the mercy of the man in charge. And he was in charge, and made sure to remind us all when it deemed necessary. To add another layer of complexity, I am a woman in a male dominated industry, and have to navigate the political correctness of what that means in all of this. 

Many people I knew were clamouring for positions like the one I had, so I certainly wasn't going to give up that easy. After around the six month mark, I really tuned in to the type of person I was working for. The random outbursts, the inconsistencies, the times of peace, one never knew which way things were going to go. Six months turned into a year, which turned into two, then two and a half.

I'll pause here to explain my "Boiling Frog" philosophy:

If you put a frog into a boiling vat of water, he will immediately jump out, knowing it's too hot.

If you put the frog in lukewarm water, and slowly turn up the heat, the frog won't know to jump before it's too late.

I started out in the lukewarm water. It took some time to realize that things were heating up and I needed to escape.

A red flag was the visceral l response I would have to my work phone ringing and seeing my bosses name on the screen. A literal cringe, starting from the pit of my stomach. It was always the uncertainty of what was waiting for you on the other end of the line. What game would be played next? What mood was I going to be answering to? Looking around the workplace, I witnessed that I wasn't the only one wondering what would come next.

In the couple months before I left that job, I was having panic attacks. I would get off the phone with my boss and be textbook hysterical. Hyperventilating, sometimes crying, I couldn't keep myself together anymore, and it was all I could do to keep myself in check. I was drained. My will was drained. My will to want to come to work, my will to do my job, my will to do this battle best described as a dance against my boss. It felt like a constant power struggle. Because at the end of the day, that's what it came down to. Power, and the he flaunted and bullied and abused the fact he had it.

Demeaning, undermining, belittling, manipulating: all examples of the psychosocial hazard of my work environment. And this culture of intimidation and aggression in the name of obedience stemmed from this one man.

I tried to have discussion with my boss and HR, to no end. I was in other words informed that this was the status quo, and any route I might take to pursue this issue (Ministry of Labour or going up the chain of command) would have the same end result: that no resolution would be possible in a way that would allow me to stay employed in my current position, and that I would have to seek employment elsewhere.

Finally, I'd had enough. I could tell that morning by the way he called out my name what mood he was in, and it wasn't going to be good. He was upset I didn't respond to his after hours call on my work phone. "You don't own my personal time," I thought, "and you don't own me at work anymore either."

I quit. 

I looked at my state of mind. I was extremely unhappy with that aspect of my life. It drained me in a way that began to interfere with the good things I did have. It began creeping into my mind, and occupying a space that I didn't want to give permission to any longer. 

Leaving that job was the best thing I did for myself. I researched and contemplated and made calls enquiring some kind of justice or retribution through the Ministry of Labour. I certainly had the grounds for it. But I was the frog that had boiled in the pot just a little too long. I only had enough energy to jump out of the pot, not enough to turn off the stove. I'd hung on so long I only had the energy to be a warrior for myself, and couldn't be one for anyone else I left behind. For me, that stings, that I let things get so bad.

It's been six months.

At first, the change of job and change of pace was enough of a distraction to put things to the back of my mind for a while.

Now and again, old habits, those built up in self-defence, of walking on eggshells, try to creep up. I have to remind myself I don't work in that environment anymore. I'm getting better.

The reason I share this now, is the other night I had a dream. I don't remember the specifics, but someone who I could only see from behind was being harsh and rude. When the man turned around, he had the face of my old boss. "Enough is enough," I thought. 

These are the day to day things that affect our mental health. Since I have quit that job, when someone asks how I am doing, I answer "great!" and I can really mean it. I make sure to take time for myself when I need it. For example, I give myself one evening during the week to come home from work and do nothing. No gym, no appointments, no social events. I just come home and do me. Whatever that might be at the time. Read a book, binge on Netflix, work on a knitting project, write in my journal, and always cuddle the cats.